Mom's Bad Day

Today, I woke up.

And things just got worse from there.

The screaming. The whining. The yelling. The crying.

And that was just me. That doesn’t even cover what the kids were doing!

After breakfast, I took Jed to his room to get dressed. He proceeded to give me the slip (as only a 2-year-old can) and he took off down the hall before I could even get his diaper on.

“Jedidiah, come in here!" 

I hear him fiddling with the lock on the screen door. He replies: “I too busy now.”

He somehow gets the door open. He runs away. Please note that he was completely naked. By the time I caught him, he had mooned the neighborhood and was engrossed in digging in mud with a sharp stick. Mud was caked on the side of his neck. A big glop of it was INSIDE his ear and he had another stripe across his cheek and one eye.

I chiseled the dirt out of his ear, wiped him down and got him dressed.

Then I saw one, two, three girls streaking by through the kitchen window, screaming for the dog at the top of their lungs, yelling “ROSSS-COE!”

You see, Jed had not only run away naked, he had also “sprung the dog.”

Now, I have what you would call a love/hate relationship with the dog. Mostly hate. My husband made the now infamous decision to bring a new dog home when I had a 2-month-old baby, a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old and a 6-year-old at home. I also had some terrible post-partum issues, we were trying to start homeschooling and run a home-based business.

Let’s just say that the “bonding period” between Mom and Dog did not go very well.

Once he realized he was actually free, the dog beat a blazing trail through the neighborhood. The girls were yelling and throwing cheese at the dog to try to coax him back. Jed started down the driveway in the Power Wheels Jeep and all three of his sisters burst into tears because their beloved dog had turned the corner and was nowhere to be seen.

Against my better judgment, I told them all to get in the car and we’d go look for the dog.

Not a great idea. Sadie (trying to run in flip-flops) and Josie (stumbling around because she can’t see through her tear-filled eyes) chased him through numerous yards while Adelaide just stood in the open door of the van and yelled “HERE ROSCOE! Come here, DOOFUS!”

Needless to say, we couldn’t catch the dog. The seventh time that Sadie almost had him and then he weaseled away from her, this happened:

I flipped out.

By “flipped out,” I mean that I pounded the steering wheel with the palms of both my hands while, howling incoherently, crying and trying REALLY hard not to curse the dog (at least in front of the children.)

After that little episode, we turned around and came home. Guess who was waiting for us at the kitchen door, covered in mud with an innocent look on his (stupid) hairy face?

This all occurred before 10am.

Next, for your reading pleasure, I will briefly recount the rest of my day:

Jed and Adelaide fight. Sadie gets hit in face with windchime. Adelaide skins knees. Josie and Sadie wash dog. Sadie breaks dog-bathing bucket. I am squirted with water. Jed gets soaked. Jed stomps flowerbed full of daffodils into smithereens. Josie yells at Jed. Jed cries. Jed and Adelaide fight. Jed skins knees. Josie rams Power Wheels Jeep into garage door. Adelaide spills milk. I run washing machine with nothing in it – twice. I find dryer full of soggy, stinky laundry because Jed turned off yesterday’s load when I wasn’t looking. Mud on floor. Mud on counter. Mud on door.

Give up. Go to park. Giant mud hole around picnic table, which nobody notices. Sadie sinks in it up to her shins. Jed climbs on my lap and wipes his shoes clean on my pants. Lots of sliding, swinging and running on tennis courts. Adelaide skins knees.  

Back home. Naptime. Jed decides he doesn’t need a nap after all. Climbs out of crib. Yells “Mom! I LUB YOU! Want out! OUT!” Reprieve cancelled.

Find crumbs in bed, spilled milk on floor. Balls of muddy worm poop found and squished in daughters’ hands. More mud on socks and driveway. Jed pees in bathroom floor. Dog digs in mud and slings mud all over sidewalk. Dog tries to bite UPS man. Lock dog in garage. Put all kids in bathtub. Bedtime revised to 7:15pm. 

Hear this objection: “But Mom, it’s still light out!”

But today, believe me – it’s for everyone’s own good.